Thursday, October 20, 2005

You mother's my secret lover

OK time to rant or one of Marc's friends might assassinate me.....

Is anyone else in love with Jake Plummer's Jeff Hostetler mustache? If there is one thing the world needs it more Hos!

I don't think there is anything worse than being a "reality TV veteran"? I think I would rather be kidnapped by Al Qaeda and disembowled than follow up an appearance on America's next top fat guy model with a successful stint on VH1s surreal life.

If I could only use 1 condiment for the rest of my life, I think I would have to go with French's yellow mustard. I can't believe there is more of a utility condiment out there. Plus I am a firm believer that $10 worth of mustard should last a minimum of 5 years.

It might be time to take down the World Series Champ sign between the Pike and 95. When I drive through New Jersey, I don't see Devils Stanley cup signs on the highway. When driving over the GW, I don't see 26 Yankees world championship signs in succession......Raise a banner or something and be done with it. I would much rather see an add for Chicken Selects.

I don't know if anyone out there is a Physician, but I need a question answered. Why is it that if I drink an entire Litre of Gingerale in one day, it turns my Poop green. No matter what I eat! Gingerale is more of a golden brown. Where is the green coming from! I need answers!

On the list of annoying accents, Long Island has got to be the top. I talk to these people all day long and it seriously makes my head hurt. If I was man enough to swallow a pill of aspirin I would take one. I would rather listen to Marc singing Paradise City on repeat all day if I had the choice!

I have had enough with the mullet. How are there still people walking around with them. I am leaving it up to you, the readers of this blog to join my Mullett elimination task force. If you want in let me know. I will mail you a shirt, a pair of scissors, and a Dixie Chicks Calendar to distract them. Seriously its enough. As far as I am concerned lets take a little of this homeland security funding and end this epidemic. I think this is much more important that anti terrorism anyways! If we got rid of the mullett in this country I think the terrorists would be far more scared of us. How can we expect Osama to take us seriously when 25% of our country goes to the Salon/Barber and asks for Patrick Swayzes 1984 haircut!

Say what you want, but for my money there is no better breakfast cereal than crispix!

Women shouldn't be know as women, only as broads! And if they complain I will officially decree that broad will be changed to pig! So keep your mouths shut and deal with it broads!

I think vaginal sex should be used solely for reproduction...that way anal becomes popular enough where don'tdont creep broads out by jamming it in their ass.

and on a final note, I hope you all are Chappel fans or this will make no sense...

So I was on the way back from Saturdayrday night at 11pm. On a full train, my neighbor was a single mother with a black eye. You can draw your own assumptions. Anyways after watching her feed her infant a nutricious mealMcDonald'salds french fries, the kid starsquealingling that he was thirsty. So she said "Tyrone, you want some grape juice?" he nodded in approval. And then she pulled out his bottle. Expect twasn'tasnt grape juice. It was grape drink. The kid was drinking grape drink out of his bottle. I stared at my life partner Jen and she was on the verge of tears knowing that we had witnessed a wonderful example of how stereotypes are always right! And if don'tdont find that histerical go shoot yourself.


Thanks and remember I'm not an asshole I jdon'tdont like you!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Introducing .........

Inspiration strikes at the most random of times. As I’m sitting and watching TV with my radioactively fake tan sister and contemplating ways to stab my eyes out with a spork using nothing but my pinky toe "it" came to me. "It" here is news. Not just any news but “fake” news articles and headlines. I’d like to introduce a new feature to Loosest of Stool – News Articles Marc Brings Lovingly Alive or NAMBLA as it will be known from here on out.

Without further adieu here is the installment 1 of NAMBLA:

NAMBLA sues Marc for use of term NAMBLA

Norwood MA: NAMBLA, or the North American Man Boy Lovers association has slapped a lawsuit on one Marc for utilizing their name as an acronym for the fake news he creates on his cult favorite underground blog. Reached for comment at his mama’s home Marc had this to say when told that the “real” NAMBLA was pissed at him:

“Those ex priests who want to fuck little boys are pissed at me? I’m not 7 and refusing to blow them, what do they want from me? Those redneck kiddie rapists provide endless hours of humor to those as sick as me and give a semi legitimate outlet for me to point to if someone questions the root of some of my humor. They kindof make me look like the tooth fairy when comparing my forcible sodomy to theirs. At least the women I fornicate with are almost of age and both deaf and blind so they make the most excruciating noises imaginable during sex and don’t realize that I don’t understand the way they say “No” when I’m branding them with a cattle prod. Its like my finishing move - Sort of like Shawn Michael's sweet chin music, a Stone Cold stunner, or even Seinfeld’s swirl. Wait, what was the question again?”

How of NAMBLA had this to say in response to Marc:

“Having consensual sex with young children has been happening since long before Father Porter made it popular. If a young boy wishes to have sex with a grown man and the grown man finds the young boy’s hairless flesh and cherry preserved anus desirable who is “society” to get in the way? And for that communist Marc to make light of such a natural act is simply deplorable. We’re suing him for 87 pesos and I cannot speak of this subject anymore. My lawyer slapped a gag order on this suit and I really shouldn’t even be talking to you through the confines of this gimp ball.”

When informed of this retort Marc had this to say:”87 pesos? Is he kidding? Those kiddie fuckers have no concept of money. That’s like him owing me money. Doesn’t he know that Mexicans hop the border and try to file for unemployment because pesos are worthless? Why does he think those Wetbacks have that nickname of Wetback? Wouldn’t that be a great name for a new Baseball team in San Antonio? The San Antonio Wetbacks? I know I’d buy at least a hat and a shirt. Cripes, I guess fucking children makes you borderline retarded like whats his face. Oh yeah, the Superman that had a horse kick his ass. What, he’s dead now? Good, one less wheelchair bound mongoloid. I read somewhere you can buy his wheelchair on ebay. He’s not using it and his ex wife just has a dildo glued to the seat because lord knows his dick didn’t work once he was paralyzed. So if those NAMBLA bastards want to buy the chair and leave me the dildo to slob on the secretions of Supermans widow then I guess its cool. Hey, you want to go drinking and hopefully get so shitfaced that when we drive home we crash into a bus full of nuns on their way to the nunnery and kill them all in a raging inferno while we all get off scott free? Sweet. Oh yeah, and I’m still calling those articles NAMBLA. You get the idea.”

Thank you all for coming

FRT!

Do you think when Sheryl Crow is going down on Lance she mumbles "Oh I love how your balls .... er I mean ball tastes."

I bet Elian Gonzalez is currently working at a Mobile station in Tampa with the artist formerly known as Snow.

The 9 yr old Asian boy who made my Nike Free's should be fired. Pieces of shit. I bet that filthy dingy sweatshop he works at for 22 hrs a day is too nice for his carpel tunnell filled hands and raunchy yellow ass. I hope he doesn't wake up tomorrow morning.

Parking Garages should be rape free zones. Like a co-worker? Follow her to the parking garage! Fuck her in the ass! You won't get in any trouble!

Next time you're at Starbucks go up to a random hippee sitting there reading his book of poems, tap him on the shoulder, and whisper "I've decided to use my powers for evil," wink at him, then proceed on your way like nothing happened.

If you ever decide to swing by a random old folks home I strongly recommend going into some random old man's room and saying "Grandpa? How come you've ignored me for the first 25 yrs of my life?" Then proceed to steal his medication and make him write out a check that covers 25 yrs worth of birthdays, Christmases, Festivus, Groundhog's day, and whatever other holidays you want to lump in with your lump sum. Leave and tell the front desk that Grandpa is asking to be put to death and you won't be coming around anymore.

Alzheimers is funny to those who don't have Alzheimers.

I was looking out the raindow at the rain a coming down and was wondering what it would be like to be known as the guy who goes out in the middle of traffic, naked, in rainstorms with a bar of soap and shampoo and takes a shower because I'd love to get a close look and see if he shaves his pubes. If he doesn't I'm going to suggest that he does. We don't live in France people, thats not cool.

I think when I go to the supermarket this Sunday night I'm going to bring a large mallet, a few raincoats, and a chopping block and smash the shit out of all of the watermellons. When the store manager asks me if I think I'm Gallager I'm just going to wet my pants, start crying, and say "Who'se Gallager? One of those watermellons killed Uncle Charlie."

Alzheimers is funny to those who don't have Alzheimers.

I'm going to open up an Arby's down in New Orleans because if I was an alligator I'd be sick of human and kindof craving Roast Beef.

Indian people smell like a combination of curry and used diaper filled with period juice.

Another post soon.

Thank you all for coming.

What did you say when Pedro died!!!!

Ok so Marc was kind enough to give me a weekly opportunity to rant about stuff or do whatever I want. This might be the most blatant act of kindness ever performed by this horrid human being I am sometimes proud to call my friend.
I figured I would post some fantastic links up here for everyone's enjoyment, since I really have nothing prepared to rant about just yet.

www.cnn.com/video/player/player.html?Section=/ALL&wm=native_mac
go to page 3 and click to view the video entitled "NFL Players implicated in Sex Cruise"
Lets just say it looks like Mewelde Moore will be sleeping on the couch for a while.

I know some of you have seen this already, but its the greatest thing ever!
www.devilducky.com/media/26951/

Apparently they are feeding these Cows, Marc's diet of Chicken and Mustard
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,172154,00.html

Is there anything better than a grown man in a chicken suit doing the worm?
http://www.subservientchicken.com/

Seriously, when is it not a good time to hate mimes?
http://www.thefunnybone.com/ihmc/

Looks like Marc is more normal than we thought!
http://www.teenhealthfx.com/answers/Sexuality/788.html

Thats it fo me this week......and remember that you mother's my secret lover!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Holiest Day of the Year?

As most of you know, I'm one of those loud mouthed, not so hooked nosed so called "Jews" and today was Yom Kippur - the holiest day of the year for my Matzoh eating brethern. Personally, I look at it as a day off of work where I go to the synagogue near my house for 2 hrs then come home and try to hide large pieces of furniture in as many of my own bodily orifices (orifi?) as is humanly possible. Ever had both a sofa and a loveseat inside your rectum at the same time? I haven't just yet but am working my way up to that point. Baby steps people. Baby steps. I don't want anyone getting hurt out there.

On this holiest day of the year we're supposed to fast and pray for forgiveness for all of our sins for the previous year. Not really a bad deal when you think about it, just say sorry for a couple of hours and the whole previous year is forgiven? Sign Marc up. So, here is the long and short of what I'm atoning for from the past year:

Lying. Mostly about the size of my dong which really isn't as close to 17 inches as I lead most women to believe, but its close. Well, 17 inches to a 6 year old really doesn't mean much anyways ...

Sodomy. On both the giving and receiving end. Preferably at the same time while being videotaped by the same guy who filmed my sisters Bat Mitzvah then skipping out on the $75 bucks that I owe him for 2 hrs worth of work. Sorry Shlomo.

Making fun of the handicapped. Its fun and I do it frequently. Seriously. Give Doug Flutie's autistic son a hula hoop, buy a 12 pack of Miller Lite, a 6 pack of Hebrew National Hotdogs, and an industrial sized jug of vasoline and you'll be etertained for hours. Trust me.

Making fun of all races, religions, acts of Nature/God, terrorist acts, friends, family, and muppets. You hear that Jesus? Oh wait, you don't. You're dead.

Hating many of my friends girlfriends/significant others. If they love them and cheat on them at the same time, then who am I to get in the way of a real American relationship? (I smell another colmun)

Breaking up 2 "happy" couples. I win. I usually do. Not always like Goulet's friend the Big Horn, but usually.

Being drunk on an airplane and harassing a Red Sox "legend" at 8am.

Swearing. I really don't think swearing is bad and believe it should be taught in schools and perfected on the playgrounds.

Eating Oreo's out of the trash. Is it a sin? No, but I don't see you confessing anything.

Floating the idea of bringing a whole shitload of food and clothing down to where a whole bunch of homeless people hang out then pissing on it and lighting it on fire.

Freely using the phrase "I eat more pu$$y than cervical cancer." - Note: That is not an original Marc phrase. I read it somewhere and loved it.

Along with a few of my close pals causing a gigantic scene at a wake and turning it into a circus.

Drowning a newborn and secretly replacing said newborn with a tin of Folgers Cristals. The "parents" still haven't noticed that thier child is a tin of Folgers Cristals and its not even filled with coffee but ground up Pakastani. Shhhhhhhh.

Performing a circumcision on a 50 year old man using nothing but the teeth of turtle.

Saying "So, his mom's single now?" To a friend informing me about the death of an acquaintances father. She's hot. Go fuck yourself.

Guess what? I'm forgiven for all of those things. Don't you wish you were one of my people? Well, pretty soon you can be .......... I'm starting a cult/coed fraternity - more on this at a later date. If interested just start stockpiling batteries, vibrating sex toys, wiffle ball bats, Shaws elbow macaroni, green M&M's, toothpicks, used condoms, any film that features the comedic genius that is Sinbad, ninja suits, and anything involving Mr Belvedere and Emmanuel Lewis.

Thank you all for coming.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Tastiest of Candy

Remember Pez dispensers? Of course you do. The little candy dispensers with the head of Mickey, Donald, Chris Webber, Tupac, Helen Lovejoy, or whoever on them. Well, as many of you know I'm a budding entrapaneur. I have a couple of "side" businesses that I run and co-manage with a former WWF Intercontinental champion ...... The Model Rick Martel. Pop quiz: What rhymes with Rick Martel? The answer of course silly is Drug Cartel. Let me lay this new idea out for you.

Hypothetically speaking, I go out and buy a whole shitload of pez dispensers of various fun and comical characters. I then go and start hanging out (and violating the terms of my parole) down at the local elementary school over near my mama's house. By hanging out down there I befriend these children and become a trusted cohort and someone who they know always has candy "on his person," (we all know that I'm a sexy piece of eye candy yet I digress... )Here's where the pez dispensers come into play. Instead of filling these Pez dispensers with the generic yet sweet candy that they come with, I fill them with a combination of vicodin and acid. Think about it. With a wee bit of cash up front to purchase these drugs and a Cambodian sweatshop to fill the pez dispensers I'm hooking about 200 or so kids on some pretty hard core shit. So you see, I get them addicted then when they're dependant on the pez the "candy" won't be free anymore. Its quite an ingenius idea if you ask me - you're getting a whole base of clientelle when they're oober young and once they're hooked you jack up the price so that they can start stealing from their parents and robbing convenience stores to buy the drugs that you got them addicted to. All I need is a couple of investors to get this off the ground and running .............. consider it a great long term investment.

For those who are interested I also run an abortion clinic out of the trunk of my car. I just clean off the dipstick, poke around up there, rip the baby out, give you a shot of tequilla, charge you $30 bucks and give you an "I got my bastard child killed at Marc's Altima and All I got was this lousy Tshirt" tshirt. Oh yeah, and you buy 9 Altima Abortions and the 10th is free.

Random thoughts coming later .............

Thank you all for coming

Friday, October 07, 2005

FRT

Sounds like Fart but really stands for Friday's Random Thoughts:

Where did the phrase "You're a shoe in" come from? What the fuck does that exactly mean? A shoe in? A shoe in what? What if said shoe is a red ladies pump, size 7 and my feet are too fucking big to squeeze in and it clashes with the kilt and leopard print bikini I wore to work today? Then itd be a shoe in which I look pretty goddamned stupid. Screw you Mr. Aldo.

Why is it that you can run for President of the USA at age 35 but if you're 24 and wear nothing but a stained cloth diaper to work people look at you like you could never be president one day?

I want my first house to be a tipi and my first guest at my new house to be former WWF Wrestler Tatanka.

Why are there 47 different cell phone booths at every mall in America when the overwhelming majority of the population already has cell phones? Do we really need to be harassed by Hector Velasquez who hasn't worked since late 1995 when Jiffy Lube laid him off? Everyone knows that he still uses the oil he stole from Jiffy Lube to grease his hair to look spiffy for all the women he sexually assaults at the Nextel stand. Fucking Menudo reject.

I think my junk would be bigger if I didn't wear tightie whities until I was 18. Makes it tough to breathe down there.

Does anybody thing that "Man on Man Lemon Meringue Pie" is the name of the gay porno that Ricky Martin is currently making? I bet he's still living la vida Homo.

I want to have a ritualistic animal sacrifice in a local hardware store in front of the kitchen appliances section, however instead of an animal I want to sacrifice Ozzie Guillen. The buttfucker.

The world needs more Hootie and the Blowfish and less JaRule.

You know the slogan "For everything else there's Mastercard?" Well, I say you put this to the test and give Mastercard a ring the next time you're wiping your ass and the blood to stool ratio is 1:1 and see if they come over and clean you up. If not then there only 1 solution. Lawsuit for fradulent advertising.

Next time someone you don't like asks you to get them a glass of lemonade I suggest you bring them a glass of bleach instead. Then when their throat burns out of their body man will you have a good laugh.

If you were to take a field trip to the sun I'd suggest brining bread and cheese. I bet they make a mean grilled cheese on the sun - but you have to bring your own supplies. Cheap fuckers those damned sun people.

If I could travel back in time I'd definitely make sure to stop off at Pizzaria Uno's before I go. You don't want to travel back in time on an empty stomach. Trust me.

If going to KFC and eating a huge bucket of fried chicken in a Klansman's outfit makes me unfit to serve my duties as Grand Poobah then I throw myself at the mercy of the court not to take my Grand Poobahship away from me.

Dougie Mirabelli goes deep today and the Sox win.

Thank you all for coming.

Another post soon.











Thursday, October 06, 2005

Solid Gold - just for you Jesse

When I was 5 or 6 a huge black dog chased me around my house. I know what you're all thinking "what does the color of the dog have to do with anything?" and to that my response would be "everything." I consider myself an equal opportunity hate mongrol. I hate everyone but I hate everyone equally, which if you do the math really turns into love - or something like that. I make fun of every race, color, creed (god did that band suck,) and religion. Not a one is spared. I love making and hearing Jew jokes becuase (gasp) I'm one of "those people." I even had yesterday and the day before off of work for Rosh Hashana. Happy Jew year to you all. I spent about 2 hours of my day going to temple and the rest of my time plotting get rich quick schemes where I swindle old people out of money.

I mean think about it. Whenever you're short on cash who can most people always hit up? Grandma. One of my old roommates had his grandma wipe out 13 grand of credit card debt without even blinking. Maybe its due to the fact that the Nazi's burned off her eyelids or because she has more cash than Allah himself. Seriously, those old fuckers have lots of cash and all they need to hear is a "good cause" delivered by a smooth talker and they open up their checkbooks. Try it sometime. Go to the nearest Old Folks community dressed in professional business attire and carry a breifcase full of amputee porno. I guarantee that you won't need to open up the breifcase unless they ask, and even if they do they'll most likely see the amputee porno and pass out. Thats when you swoop in and steal their wallet. Lets assume that you don't get to that point. All you need is to turn on your local newscast in the morning and ask for money about the lead story on tv. I'll give you an example. You approach an old man sitting on a bench trying to conceal the fact he just pissed through his copy of USA Today ......... "Hello Sir, looks like you were involved in the Civil War. I'm with you, I really wish the South had won or at least the North conceded to sacrifice midgets to be our slaves for the rest of eternity but Nooooooooooo that idiot Lincoln had to go and ruin all of our fun. Anyways, I'm sure that you noticed a tsunami hit all of French Indo-China recently and 300thousand people were killed. I don't know about you but I'm concerned with the cost of sneakers and Playstation games so I'm going around trying to raise money to bring these dead manufacturers of sneakers, cars, and Playstation paraphanalia back to life. Would you care to make a significant donation? Donations over 10 grand get an engraved yellow brick with your name in it AND a voucher good for a free Fenway Frank with the purchase of 9 Fenway Franks. Oh, and by "Yellow Brick" I mean I come over and piss your name in the snow during the first snowfall this year. Could you find it in your heart to make a substantial donation and make it out to the (insert your name here) fund?" At this point, much like a tsunami, the money will come flooding in at an incredible pace - so fast that you will be able to bathe in it. Have soap ready. I don't know where any of that came from but it led me away from my original point. Back to the doggy.

I was contemplating if this experiance with that chocloate dog could have led to both my hatred of most dogs (except for yours Matty) and black people. Who knows? If it was a white dog maybe my hatred would be directed to those dirty NASCAR loving honkey's (another column on this at a later date.) I mean if Dale Earnhardt was such a great driver why couldn't he simply turn left without smashing himself all over that brick wall? Imagine if you had a spatula ready to scrape his carcass off that wall and make white trash souffle? This leads us to the age old question what do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? The answer of course is their last big hit was the Wall.

Kill Whitey.

Thank you all for coming.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Abortion on the Eyeballs

I'd rather be watching nun's get put through woodchippers than the rest of this Red Sox game, but I'm a true fan so I'm going to compose for the blog and stick out the rest of this abortion on the eyeballs at the same time. What can I say? I'm oober multi-talented.

Close your eyes and picture this. Ok, don't close your eyes unless you can read braille and even if you can read braille it will do you no good here. I'm a big fan of going to the supermarket. I have no idea why, I just enjoy going. It makes my mind work. Lets say that I need to purchase a dozen eggs. I've never bought eggs in my life, alas we can pretend. So, I walk up to the cooler that houses the dozens of eggs, pick up a dozen, open the lid and inspect the quality of egg (a little aside: in the land of chickens do you think that posters of eggs are ads for abortion?) and am satisfied enough to make the purchase. This is when I notice a woman around 60 years of age, holding a dozen eggs herself - with huge hard nipples staring directly at me. The nipples could be hard because I'm so sexy most people can't even look at me without getting aroused or because its cold by the egg cooler. Take your pick. She leans over and comments in sort of a Souther drawl on the quality of eggs from this particular Shaws and is a satisfied customer. I take this as my cue to have some fun.

I say "ma'am (because I'm polite,) remember when you used to shit the red nile river out your crotch once a month, turn into a miserable bitch, and pass eggs that would never be used in any omelette by anyone other than those of us who enjoy eating eggs that could one day be babies?" This is when the woman aparantly gets too speechless to respond and is just standing there with her jaw open when I continue along "well, do you think if I got the jaws of life, opened up that cobwebbed filled gash of yours, stuffed 5 of this dozen eggs in there, went to town on you and spilled enough semen inside your babymaker to knock up an entire orphanage that you could get knocked up and we'd have beautiful half chicken half man babies? Well, if you do wind up knocked up I get to name the chicken kids because I did all of the work and you'd probably want to name them old people's names like Mildred, Gladys, and Henry and that'd just plain suck. I mean of course they would wind up not having any friends, getting their asses kicked, and commiting suicide by the age of 11 because nobody would love them, not even their parents who in this case is us you horrid wench."

Then after my rant I realize the humor is lost on the woman because she's deaf - so I steal her hearing aids and make a hearing aid omelette out of them and the eggs I purchased just to make myself feel better.

I know, I'm sick but you're laughing. Whats worse? Lets ask Jesus.

Marc: "Jesus, whats worse?"

Jesus: "Its Rosh Hashana, leave me alone."

Marc: "Did you get the Bar-Mitzvah card I sent you? Oh, and by the way you're lousy carpenter who would never be let in the union."

Jesus: "..........."

Marc: "Eat my ass Jesus, you stupid cracker."

Thank you all for coming.